


I Don't Hate You (I Hate Me Instead)

by AmayasAngel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oblivious Crowley (Good Omens), Recovery, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-21
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-26 17:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmayasAngel/pseuds/AmayasAngel
Summary: Gabriel offers Aziraphale a chance to work for Heaven again. Aziraphale's response isn't what he expected. Crowley learns a lot about his angel that he never would have guessed.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 10





	I Don't Hate You (I Hate Me Instead)

It had been five years. Five wonderful years since the world didn't end. Aziraphale could easily admit, at least to himself, that they were the best five years of his existence, no matter how blasphemous those thoughts were. He and Crowley had been spending a lot of time together and eventually decided to buy a house in South Downs, building their own little Eden there. Crowly had his garden and Azraphale had his library. They were together every day, openly and easily. No need to hide their interactions or their feelings. No need for coming up with excuses to see each other. It hadn't been perfect of course, old habits die hard after all. But they'd confessed their long-buried feelings for each other on the night they believed they might both soon cease to exist and refused to back away from each other afterward. All and all Azriaphale was fairly sure he couldn't possibly be happier. Naturally, the peace couldn't last forever.

It had been a nice, calm Saturday evening. They'd spent most of the day at Anathema and Newt's home, simply enjoying the company of two of the humans they had come to care for since Armagedon't. It had been a lovely day. Instead of going out to eat, they had decided to pick up sushi and eat it at home on the couch where Aziraphale could curl against Crowley's side and read the new book Anathema had given him while Crowley put something on the television. Their nice, quiet evening was abruptly cut off when the wards around their home shifted, informing them of a visitor. A non-human visitor. An angel. 

"Shit, I hoped we'd seen the last of this lot," Crowley cursed, swiftly putting down his glass of wine and turning off the television while Aziraphale closed his book and got to his feet.

"Gabriel," Aziraphale gasped, stepping back slightly until he bumped against the arm of the demon that had risen to stand behind him "That's Gabriel." Aziraphale would know that energy anywhere. He'd spent millennial keeping a careful watch out for it, not wanting to be caught. He drew in a shaky breath and leaned back against Crowley as the demon carefully wrapped his arms around him.

"Breath Angel," Crowley's voice was low and soothing and the low warmth he gave off allowed Aziraphale to draw in a full breath and process.

"He wouldn't be able to get this close to the house if he meant us harm," Aziraphale managed to say after a long moment. He knew Crowley knew this, but felt it needed to be said "So if he's already this close he can't be here to hurt us." Those wards, and the rest of the ones woven through their entire property, had taken a lot of research between Aziraphale and Anathema. And lots of power supplied by both occupants of the home as well as Anathema and Adam (who still had some amount of power, strangely enough). To the best of Aziraphale's knowledge, they were the most intensive wards on the planet. Thorough as well. And they weren't straining now, so it wasn't like Gabriel had managed to shove his way through. Crowley was saved from responding to this by a sharp knock at the door, causing both figures in the room to jump. Crowley's arms tightened around Aziraphale for a moment and he used that to gather himself again.

"We should see what he wants," Aziraphale told him, reaching up to pat Crowley's hand in thanks "He can't hurt us here. It will be fine." He really wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, but Crowley did unwind from him some, moving to hold his hand instead of holding him entirely.

"If he pulls one wrong move he's out of here," the demon grumbled angrily, causing a small rush of warmth to flood Aziraphale's core. He knew his demon's anger mostly stemmed from the way Gabriel had treated Aziraphale himself in the past and the feeling of being cared for was a wonderful one.

"Of course, my love," Aziraphale told him warmly, bringing his hand up to kiss the back of it before lowering it back to his side and making his way to the door. He was unspeakably grateful for the warm support the demon provided as he walked beside him over to the entrance of their home. It was probably the only reason he was able to gather the courage to open the door and face one of the people he had hoped to never see again.

"Gabriel," Aziraphale was rather proud that his voice remained level and even. Lots of practice being polite when he really didn't want to definitely came in handy from time to time "What can we do for you?" All in all, Gabriel looked almost exactly how he had when they had seen him last. Same suit, same hairstyle. The only real difference was he was back to the polite fake smile that Aziraphale had grown used to over six thousand years. The smile that had been absent during their last meeting at the airfield. 

"Aziraphale!" The old, false pleasantness was bright in the Archangel's voice, rather strange since the last time he'd interacted with the couple he'd been orchestrating their deaths. He was very obviously trying not to look at Crowley, who was directly beside Aziraphale, still holding his hand. "It's good to see you. You seem to be doing well."

"What do you want Gabriel?" Aziraphale asked bluntly, not in the mood for any of the old song and game. "We were hoping we wouldn't be needing to see you again. Ever, actually. We didn't exactly part on good terms." Predictably, Gabriel's smile died some, his expression twitching with irritation before he covered it back up with a slightly less bright smile.

"Yes, well. I'm sure you agree it was a very stressful time all around," the Archangel said dismissively, waving a hand as if brushing away the problem, the fake smile still in place "We got carried away. That's all. We were concerned that one angel rebelling might cause a...ripple effect as they say. Surely you can't blame us for trying to prevent another rebellion." The low growl that came from Crowley clearly said how much he disagreed with that statement, but the gentle squeeze from Aziraphale's hand kept him from saying anything out loud and Gabriel was still trying to pretend the demon wasn't there.

"Again, what is it you want, Gabriel?" Aziraphale pressed, expression even and cool. Gabriel's smile faltered again, but he pressed on.

"I'm here to bring you back into the fold," Gabriel told him, expression brightening again. "We miss you brother." For a long moment, Aziraphale could only blink at the person in front of him in shock. What? Where had this come from? His mind almost seemed to shut down for a moment as he did his best to process what was happening. When he finally came back to himself he quickly realized he had likely waited too long to reply. He could feel the tension building in his love's body beside him. Thankfully he could clear that up easily enough.

"Why in everything holy and occult would I want to do that?" There was another pause, but this time it was the other two people who were trying to process what he had said, and the utterly horrified tone he had said it in. Gabriel's expression lost its smile entirely and he looked like he had just been told his suit was actually made of dog feces. He couldn't have looked more shocked if he tried. Crowley was a bit shocked as well, but he had also lost the tell-tale tension that had indicated his old insecurities trying to take hold again. That was good.

"Now, Aziraphale," Gabriel started again, clearly trying to regather his thoughts and put his smile back on "Don't be unreasonable. You can even keep your little...pet," he gestured vaguely at Crowley "And stay here on this little rock you seem so proud of. We just want you to go back to making reports and taking assignments. Just like the old days. Nothing complicated." Aziraphale stared at him for a long moment, expression unreadable.

"So you're not a complete idiot," he noted cooly "But you still haven't given a good reason as to why I would want to do that. Why on Heaven, Earth, or Hell would I want to go back to how things were?" He shook his head in disbelief "You really have no clue, do you? I'm not sure if that's better or worse than it all being intentional." Now Gabriel just looked confused, and a little irritated.

"What in the Heavens are you talking about?" the Archangel snapped, giving up on the fake smile and glaring at the Principality in front of him. Aziraphale tilted his head, staring at Gabriel for several long moments before seeming to come to a decision. 

"Working for Heaven was its own kind of Hell on Earth," he began, making sure to fully meet the gaze of his old boss, his old tormented. He could feel Crowley tensing somewhat beside him but gently squeezed his hand to try and reassure him as he continued "I was scared, all the time. I can't remember a single moment that wasn't tinted by fear. Not since the First War. Not until very recently. I was scared of messing up, of Falling, of failing." His expression twisted into a parody of a smile "Then I got to truly know Crowley and learned what actual fear was. The fear of Falling was _nothing_ compared to the fear of losing him." Gabriel's expression twisted then, a mix of disgust and confusion, but Aziraphale wasn't going to let him get a word in edgewise, not now. Aziraphale was going to get this whole mess off his chest and Gabriel was just going to have to deal with it.

"Crowley was the only real bright spot in my entire existence. He treated me like I mattered. Like I was worth something. He was there to comfort me when the world was too much. He _cared_. More than you, or anyone else in Heaven, ever did." He squeezed Crowley's hand again, working to control his emotions as he dove into the brutal truths of his own existence. Some of which he'd never fully expressed out loud before, not even with Crowley. He hoped the demon would forgive him for baring them this way.

"Do you have any idea how much I _hated_ myself?" he asked fiercely, not really expecting an answer and not leaving time for one to be given "I _knew_ I was a failure, now could I not with how often you all made sure to remind me? Soft, weak, useless, selfish, stupid, slow. You made sure I knew how you all felt about me. Oh sure, you buried some of it under softer words, fake compliments. But I was never unintelligent enough to miss what was actually being said. I knew, but I couldn't stop being those things, not without cutting out a key part of myself. The things you lot taunted me for; the books, the food, the _frivolous miracles_ were the little things I found to help make existence a little more manageable. A little less bleak. Earth is a hard place to be, Gabriel. Especially if you actually care about the beings around you. The suffering the humans go through, especially during the times of plague and war, is horrible and heart-wrenching. You may not care. And in all honestly, I am not entirely certain you've ever truly cared about another being in your entire existence, but I have and I do. I love these humans and this Earth. All of them. So seeing them suffer is torture. Not being able to help them is worse. So yes, I found little things to enjoy. Little things to make the world a little brighter, even though they drew your disapproval." He gave a sharp, brittle smile then, noting that Gabriel had completely given up his false pleasantness and was simply watching him in something akin to indignant shock. But the Archangel did nothing to try and stop the tirade being launched at him or to try and leave. So Aziraphale pressed on.

"That isn't to say that those things did a whole lot of good. They just...took the edge off I suppose you could say. If they were all I had, well...I doubt I would have made it this far. As it was there were several times I considered finding a way to stop feeling, stop being in all actuality. Surely it couldn't be _too_ hard to annoy some demon or another enough that they'd resort to hellfire after all." A small, strangled sound from his side drew Aziraphale's attention back some and he tugged gently on the hand in his grip, drawing the hurting demon closer so their shoulders touched. He didn't look over, knowing that if he looked at Crowley at this moment he would lose the momentum for what he wanted, needed, to say. So instead he drew out his wings and wrapped one around the demon pressed against his side, offering wordless comfort to the slightly shaking being. That done he gave Gabriel another smile, this one almost proud.

"But that wasn't all I had. I had Crowley as well. Even near the beginning, his presence brightened the world, even just slightly. He was another being walking the same Earth I was, experiencing things in a similar way as I was. One that wouldn't up and die the way the humans did. And one that didn't dismiss me for caring the way Heaven did. We fought from time to time of course and disagreed regularly, but we never aimed to harm each other. Not really. And after a time we came to an understanding of how we would interact without upsetting our respective duties. He went from a convenient acquaintance to a friend. The only one I had, truly. Things were brighter, easier to handle, whenever he was around. And just knowing he was around somewhere gave me something to look forward to in those times when everything was too much to handle. He gave me a reason to keep going while you and the others only worked to tear me down and remind me of how little I mattered." Gabriel looked a bit ill now, whether from the thought of a suicidal angel or of a demon giving an angel a reason to keep existing it was hard to say. Aziraphale gave him another, self-deprecating smile. 

"I hated myself for that too of course. Hated that I knew that, if I absolutely had to choose between losing Heaven and losing Crowley I wouldn't end up choosing Heaven." He felt Crowley stiffen at that, surprise probably. Aziraphale hadn't been the best at communicating this with his dearest friend. Perhaps he could fix that now "But I knew I could survive losing Heaven. It wasn't like anyone there actually cared about me. I couldn't survive losing Crowley. Even if I returned to Heaven and no longer had to deal with the suffering on Earth I would still have to deal with the way the other angels treated me. The way you all thought of me. And I wouldn't have any of the things I'd found to help cope with that. I couldn't do that and I knew it. So I hated myself because that wasn't the way an angel was supposed to be. And occasionally I would take that hatred out on Crowley, lashing out at him for things that were no fault of his. And I hated myself for that too." He took a slow, deep breath and shook his head, dismissing darker thoughts. Gabriel's expression had closed off some finally, leaving just cold distant. Beside him, he could feel that Crowley had gotten control of the slight shaking he had been dealing with earlier, but the tight grip on his hand told him that the demon wasn't fully in control again yet. So he kept his wing where it was.

"So," Aziraphale started again, fixing his gaze fully on Gabriel's eyes. He didn't want this to be misunderstood in any way "in case I haven't made myself clear. My answer is no. I will not work for Heaven. Not now, not ever. So you can take your offer and shove it...wherever it is you shove it. And leave. You aren't welcome here. I would very much prefer it if we never saw each other again after this moment." Gabriel was silent for several long moments, glaring at them both, but Aziraphale could tell he was a bit unnerved by the whole situation. Aziraphale felt a guilty thrill of pleasure at that. It felt good to be the one putting the other angel on the back foot for once. It had always been the other way around before.

"You heard him," Crowley spoke up for the first time since they'd opened the door, his voice low and threatening "Beat it." Gabriel's eyes narrowed and Aziraphale felt the words tingle slightly, warning the intruding angel against attempting to harm the owners of the home. A moment later there was a bright flash of holy light, one that made Aziraphale squint and quickly wrap his wing further around his demon while Crowley hissed and shrank back against him. A moment later the light faded and it was obvious that Gabriel was gone, likely back to heaven. Only then did Aziraphale allow himself to relax and slowly pull his wings off from around his demon.

"Are you alright, Dearest?" he asked, turning to look at Crowley for the first time since they'd opened the door. Thankfully the demon didn't look hurt in any manner, so the light hadn't been harmful. He did look a little shaken though and Aziraphale couldn't help the twinge of guilt that caused.

"I'm fine, Angel," Crowley sighed, reaching up to take off his sunglasses as he turned to meet Aziraphale's eyes. He visibly hesitated for a moment before huffing a sigh and pulling the door shut "I think I could use a drink. You want anything?" Aziraphale huffed a quiet laugh and squeezed his hand gently as he put away his wings.

"That sounds perfect, my dear," he agreed, allowing his demon to lead him back into the safety of their home. They would need to talk about what had been said of course, but not right away. That had brought a good number of painful memories back to the front of Aziraphale's mind and Crowley was still struggling to process what he had heard. But for now they were home, they were safe, and Gabriel was gone again. Everything else could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is, in part, inspired by the song 'Say Goodbye" by Citizen Soldier  
> https://youtu.be/v0XYCNsi7H8


End file.
